Chipotle is another one of those places that I decided I didn’t like before ever having come within 10 feet of. I had this notion that I wouldn’t like any tacos or burritos because I liked Taco Bell… Yes, you read that right. Because of the fact that I like Taco Bell tacos (just the normal tacos), I assumed that I would not like other places tacos because “cheese and lettuce only” isn’t really the norm when it comes to most taco places. A true mexican taco only has onion and cilantro on it, which doesn’t really sound like a very appetizing taco to me, and I also can’t eat onions, so I have to resort to a low FODMAP taco seasoning. So it was for that reason alone that I kept my distance from Chipotle. Obviously I’ve come to my senses and realized that you can can get tacos with just cheese and lettuce on them, at Chipotle, and nobody looks at you that strangely. What I’ve also realized in the course of my time enjoying Chipotle steak tacos is that the steak is very inconsistent in terms of chewiness and spiciness.
I know it’s not a fancy, sit down Mexican restaurant, but for all of the stuff they spew about grass fed beef and natural ingredients, Chipotle sure has some shitty steak. I don’t think I’ve had a single meal from Chipotle that didn’t involve me spitting a piece of disgusting, half chewed steak into a napkin, hoping that nobody else saw me. It’s disgusting and embarrassing when you have to spit food into a napkin because there’s no possible way you’re going to be able to chew it enough to swallow. Although rare, I’ve had whole meals (3 tacos) where I’ve literally only been able to chew the meat until the seasoning is gone, then spit it out. It was like that scene in “Dogma” where the angel can’t drink liquor so he has to just swish it around in his mouth and then spit it out. I literally ate nothing but cheese, lettuce and chipotle spices. And speaking of the spices…
Why is it that the steak never tastes the same from one week to the next? I thought the whole point of fast food was to make it so efficient and consistent that you always got the same experience? One week the seasoning on the steak will be amazing, and I’ll have no problem just sucking it off and spitting out the meat (that’s what she said)… but then the next time I have it, the seasoning will be overly spicy and make that trip to the bathroom later in the day absolutely terrible. When I eat something spicy I know what I’m getting myself into, but I don’t necessarily need that amplified times 10 after eating a random batch of spicy tacos. And then on the other end of the spectrum, I’ve had times where there’s no seasoning at all and it’s just a hunk of almost flavorless, chewy steak. It’s as if someone took a stick of fruit stripes gum, chewed it for 30 seconds so all of the flavor was gone, then spit it into a taco shell with some cheese and lettuce… not appetizing. And I know I won’t stop going because the times I do get the perfect tacos, they are just that, perfect. Or at least they are perfect for a fast food taco. I can think of a few other restaurants that have much better tacos that I would enjoy spending my money at instead, but I can’t be spending $15 on tacos every week.
Oh, and if you’re thinking to yourself, “Why doesn’t he just get the chicken or the other weird meat and quit his bitching?” And you make a good point, and I have tried that, but the chicken just doesn’t hold a candle to the times I get good steak at Chipotle. I would rather eat 5 chewing gum filled steak tacos than eat the chicken ones, that’s how much I despise them. Aside from steak or beef tacos, the only other type of taco I’ll really dive into is a pulled pork one… and even those have to be pretty damn good.
So does anyone else have this chewy steak problem at Chipotle or am I the only asshole who doesn’t know how to properly chew his food? Maybe I have soft teeth, or I’m not manly enough to rip through the flesh of a dead cow… Whatever it is, it’s not going to stop me from going back to Chipotle (hell, I had it yesterday), but if you see me spitting into a napkin while eating there, now you’ll know why.